As parents we all want to give our kids every advantage, and in our hypercompetitive world, it's easy to get caught up in what's become an arms race of ever-more classes at ever younger ages.
为人父母的我们都希望能够给孩子提供一切优势，在现在这个竞争激烈的世界上，让孩子们加入比拼才艺的“军备竞赛”可谓易如反掌，可供孩子们选择的补习课程越来越多，孩子们开始接受辅导的年龄也越来越小。And as in any arms race, it's easy to get so caught up in escalating for the sake of escalating that we lose sight of our goals.
和所有的军备竞赛如出一辙，儿童才艺大比拼也非常容易陷入为竞争而竞争的恶性循环之中，以至于我们会失去为何而争的目标。At some point we should ask: is all this investment of time and money really benefiting our children?
某些时候我们应该扪心自问：我们投入的时间和金钱是否真的能使我们的孩子受益？
'Don't you feel it's important to give kids a good start?'
“你不觉得给孩子一个成功的起点至关重要吗？”My husband and I are not experts in parenting. To the contrary, we're just like every other set of parents on Earth, just trying to do the best with the resources that we have.
丈夫和我都不是育儿专家。相反，我们和世界上所有的家长一样，只是在竭尽全力地为孩子们提供我们力所能及的一切资源。We have two daughters: Pip is now four and Lila is two-and-a-half. Recently, a friend dropped by to visit us, and promptly was welcomed into an imaginary tea party that they were having.
我们有两个女儿：姐姐四岁，妹妹两岁半。最近，一位朋友顺路拜访我家，由于当时我们正在举办一场梦幻茶会，我们便马上邀请这位朋友加入了我们。Delighted, my friend exclaimed: 'Your girls are so happy! So friendly! Not at all like other Chinese kids!'
我的朋友欢快地大声说：“你们的女儿们看起来可真快乐！真友好！和其他中国小孩一点儿也不一样！”She asked what activities they do. Well, Pip just started a Tae Kwon Do class, I said, and tennis. Lila has yet to start any formal activities.
她询问到孩子们都在进行什么样的活动。姐姐刚开始上跆拳道课，还有网球课，我说。妹妹现在还没有正式开展任何活动。My friend's delight turned to concern.
我朋友的表情瞬间由喜转忧。'Your girls don't play piano yet? But haven't you heard that piano lessons should start by age four?
“你的女儿们还没学弹钢琴？但你没听过吗，钢琴课应该在四岁就开始了？”'They haven't started ballet? Chess? No academic tutoring at all?'
“她们还没开始学芭蕾？国际象棋？从来没上过学业辅导班？”No, no, and no.
我喃喃地回答：“没有，没有，没有。”Actually we avoid packing our girls' schedules too full, I explained. When they're awake and not in school, our girls love to play together, swinging in the playground, pretending with their dolls, cutting and gluing paper together in (very) abstract art projects.
我解释到，实际上，我们尽量避免把孩子们的时间表安排得过满。在她们不睡觉也不在学校的时间里，她们喜欢一起玩耍，在游戏场上荡秋千，和布娃娃过家家，还喜欢把纸片剪剪粘粘成非常抽象的艺术作品。When their favorite songs play on the radio, they love to sing and dance along, but they just don't seem ready yet for more formal music training.
当收音机里播出她们喜欢的歌曲时，她们总是边唱边跳，只不过她们看起来还没准备好接受更为正式的音乐训练。My friend was quiet. Then: 'Don't you feel it's important to give kids a good start when they're young?'
我的朋友陷入了沉默。随后她说：“你不觉得在孩子们小的时候，给她们一个成功的起点至关重要吗？”Emotional development and creative play
情感发育及创造性游戏It's not that we don't focus on our kids' development. But at this stage in their lives, we're focusing on the skills that we consider most important to their future success. And happily for our girls and for us, our approach to parenting emphasizing emotional development and creative play -- involves less pressure and more fun for everyone.
并不是我们不注重孩子们的发展。但是在她们生命中的这个阶段，我们正着重培养我们认为对她们今后的成功最为重要的技能。幸运的是，对两个女儿和我们夫妻来说，我们的育儿方式──重视情感发育及创造性游戏──给每个人都带来了更多的快乐，同时施加了更少的压力。In his intriguing book Brain Rules for Baby, neurologist John Medina describes the physiological changes occurring in a child's brain between the ages of zero and five. During this time, a child's brain is developing rapidly, he says, and parenting that helps a child's emotional development actually helps his neural architecture develop toward lifelong emotional stability.
神经学家约翰・梅迪纳(John Medina)在他引人入胜的著作《让孩子的大脑自由》(Brain Rules for Baby)中，介绍了大脑在幼儿零至五岁间发生的生理学变化。他表示，在这个期间，儿童大脑的发育非常迅速，有助于儿童情感发育的育儿方式事实上能够帮助儿童神经系统的构建和发育，并使他们朝着终生情绪稳定的方向成长。A child parented this way will become an adult with better self-control, fewer incidences of depression and anxiety disorders, greater empathy, deeper and richer friendships, and many more friends.
用这样的方式培养出的孩子日后将成为一名自控力更强、罹患抑郁和焦虑症的概率更低、更富同情心、更易建立深厚友情、拥有更多朋友的成年人。Dr. Medina's conclusions feel right to me. Having been a political leader and a CEO headhunter, by now I've met tens of thousands of people in many countries, and it seems to me that the happiest and most successful people are not those who are best at following the rules.
梅迪纳博士得出的结论引起了我的共鸣。曾经作为政界领袖和高管猎头的工作经历，使我有幸接触到了数以万计、来自不同国家的人，在我看来，最快乐、最成功的人并不是那些最善于遵循规则的人。The happiest and most successful people are the ones who understand the rules, but then choose how to live their own lives. They have self-confidence and creativity and they understand keenly how to relate to others.
最快乐、最成功的人是那些明白规则，但选择按照自己的方式生活的人。他们充满自信、拥有创造力，并且深知该如何与人交往。Pip is learning to be more assertive
大女儿正在学习如何做到自信Our approach to parenting is embraced by the school we chose, and recently we went there to discuss Pip's development.
我们的育儿方式得到了我们给女儿所选择的学校的赞同，为了和老师沟通大女儿的教育问题，我们最近拜访了学校。The teacher started off by assuring us that Pip's schoolwork is progressing well. Every time they start a new project, she said, the other kids crowd around to see how Pip solves the problem.
老师首先肯定地告诉我们，女儿的课堂任务完成得很好。她说，每次同学们开始做新课业时，其他孩子都会围过去看女儿是如何解决问题的。Then she said: 'What we're working on with Pip is her assertiveness. Especially around boys.'
她接着说：“我们正在帮助她增加自信，特别是当有男孩子在身边的时候。”She gave an example:'Just yesterday, Pip was playing next to a sandbox where two boys were throwing sand around, and some sand flew in Pip's direction. She got up, found me and asked me to tell the boys to be more careful. I asked if she had said anything to them herself. She said no. I asked her if she wanted me help her address the boys, and she said yes. So we went over, and I suggested some words she could use: 'I was sitting here and felt some of your sand hit me. Please stop throwing sand in my direction.' Pip repeated these words. The boys apologized and promised to be more careful.
她举例子说：“就在昨天，她正在沙盒旁边玩，两个男孩儿扬起沙子嬉戏起来，一些沙子因此被撒到了她身上。她站起来，找到我，并请我去告诉男孩们应该小心点。我问她有没有自己和他们讲过这件事情。她说没有。我又问她，是不是想让我帮她和男孩们交涉，她说是的。所以我们走过去，我向她建议了一些可用的措辞，比如，我刚才坐在这儿，你们扬起的沙子打到了我。请不要朝我这边扬沙子。她复述了这些话。男孩们道了歉，并且保证会小心点。”I asked Pip if she was happy with the outcome and she said yes. Then I asked her if the next time something like this happened, she felt she could resolve the problem herself, and she agreed to try.'
我问大女儿对于这样的解决方式是否满意，她说是的。然后我又问，下次如果有类似的事情发生，她是不是能够自己解决问题，她答应试一试。Self-confidence, creativity and the ability to relate to others.
自信、创造力和人际交往能力When the teacher shared this example, I felt especially moved, because as I've written before in this column, I've always had trouble saying no to other people. Once I got stuck in a destructive boyfriend relationship precisely because as an adult I didn't know how to protect myself in the way that my four-year-old now is learning to do.
当老师和我分享发生在女儿身上的事情时，我被深深地触动了，因为正如我以前在这个专栏中所写的那样，其实我一直都不善于对别人说“不”。我还曾经陷入一段极具破坏性的感情，原因就是作为一个成年人，我并不知道该如何保护自己，而我四岁的女儿现在正在学习此道。Maybe if we get this parenting thing right, our kids will struggle less with the things I've struggled with, and perhaps then their lives will be better.
如果我们能做到用正确的方式抚育子女，我们的孩子将不会像我当初那样备受煎熬，或许她们的生活将更美好。In our hypercompetitive, hurry-up world, we always assume that fast beats slow, but what do we risk if we pressure our kids to do too much too soon?
生活在这个竞争激烈、快节奏的世界上，我们一向都认为快胜过慢，但是如果我们过早地给孩子们施加过多的压力，是否在拔苗助长？Self-confidence, creativity, the ability to relate to others: these are the skills and brain development processes that we're trying to nurture in our kids and that may remain undeveloped if formal learning monopolizes their time and attention.
自信、创造力和人际交往能力，这些都是我们千方百计想要孩子们学到的技能，同时也是大脑不断发育的过程。如果正规学习占据了孩子们的时间和精力，那么我们的追求可能将落空。Are my husband and I parenting our kids well? At this point, it's impossible to know. They certainly seem to be enjoying a more fun childhood than some of their peers.
丈夫和我在子女教育上成功吗？现在，我们还一无所知。不过我们确定的是，和很多同龄人相比，她们的童年看起来更快乐。But is our way of parenting the right way to help them reach their potential as happy and successful future young women? We hope and believe the answer is yes. But only time will tell for sure.
我们的育儿方式是激发她们潜能，并帮助她们成为未来快乐成功的年轻女性的正确方式吗？我们希望并相信：答案是肯定的。但是只有时间能真正揭开谜底。